Beloved Shopping Dazers:
Our dear friend and nephew, Thomas Breske, passed away in June. Despite this tragedy, we want to end the year on a happy note by honoring his humorous nature. Thomas would indulge our attempt at Christmas pleasantries with his severely contagious laugh.
Our 2013 high point occurred in October, when we achieved twenty consecutive years of marriage. That’s two uninterrupted decades of wedded bliss, all strung together in a row of 120 months, several thousand days, and many, many more hours of submarginal Irish-Norwegian jokes. May not sound like long to some, but we’re still gonna torture you with self-righteous marital advice. JoAnn’s secret to wedded bliss: tolerance. Tom’s guidance: rejoice in the love of a patient Swede, and remember, man, that you are dust.
The traditional 20th-anniversary gift: China. But that’s a really long trip. Instead, to commemorate the China-worthy accomplishment, Tom planned a loving overnight in Greeley, including side trips to a romantic Wild Animal Sanctuary and Northeastern Colorado’s Pawnee National Grasslands, an untamed paradise of silence, unshorn vegetation, and bloodthirsty mosquitoes.
The modern 20th-anniversay gift: Platinum (Pt) —the noblest of the periodic metals. But that’s a really expensive element. Instead, to commemorate the metallic aspects of the accomplishment, Tom ventured to the record store in search of the top platinum (Pt) albums from twenty years ago. Somewhere along the way, he discovered that record stores no longer exist. To his further horror, the most popular albums of 1993 came from Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey. For Tom, the element Platinum (Pt) lost its luster that day.
Our annual winter search for warmth led us to Puerto Rico in January for a stay at the Caribe Hilton San Juan, alleged birthplace of the piña colada, a libation that Joan Crawford once declared as “better than slapping Bette Davis in the face.” That claim fueled our thirst for the frothy concoction, but our trip proceeded slaplessly. In addition to the rum bar, other PR visitations included historic Old San Juan, El Yunque National Rainforest, and the bioluminescent bay of Laguna Grande, which has recently “gone dark.” While scientists search frantically for an explanation, we believe that the glowing dinoflagellates simply took off early for Thanksgiving and are currently enjoying their own photosynthetic version of the piña colada: the dino colada.
The year’s best news: JoAnn’s body required no surgical repair. In the words of a crummy poet: “Her back remained intac(t).” Tom’s delicate skeleton also survived without damage, mostly attributable to his halfhearted participation in a months-long fantasy football game called “The Prone Bowl.”
An attempt to close the Fall Season with a trace of culture sent us to the Denver Center in November to see The Book of Mormon, an irreverent musical reminder that humor can and possibly should be found in the darkest of places. As we mourn Thomas’s passing and search for a path through tragedy to triumph, we appreciate your support in our efforts to kick sadness in the shins.
In closing, we wish all of you a functionally non-obsolescent gifting season.
