Originally published April 9, 1981
Everyone knows that engineers, architects, and inventors are far from perfect. Millions of faulty automobiles, crumbling foundations, and unsafe gadgets and appliances are the proof.
Just about every household has an electric knife hidden away in a dark cupboard. Why is it hidden? Dad and the kids became tired of watching Mom’s fingertips rain down on the kitchen floor.
Fortunately, most dangerous appliances never make it into our homes and offices, mostly because some poor soul discovered an unsafe defect early in the design or testing stage of the product. The discovery of this defect usually comes in the form of a horrible accident.
The “Blood Pump,” designed by a Spanish biology student to keep the blood evenly distributed within the body, would theoretically enable a person to hang upside down for hours without discomfort. A malfunction during the pump’s testing phase caused a catastrophic cranial blood loss within the circulatory system of the first human volunteer. The sudden and complete absence of blood flow to the brain, combined with an unforeseen vacuum effect, shriveled and dried the subject cerebrum like a raisin, the remains of which slid out the victim’s nasal passage upon deactivation of the pump.
More recently, a team of dentists not associated with the ADA invented a machine they dubbed “The Laserpik,” an idea quickly shelved when one eager inventor melted his teeth into a solid block of enamel and pulp. The man survived, but holes had to be drilled in his tooth to enable him to ingest nutrients.
The high-speed electric stapler suffered several delays to large-scale production after a prototype sucked an over-eager evaluator violently into the machinery, stapling her nose and mouth to impenetrability and suffocating her while co-workers desperately initiated the design of an electric staple remover.
A dedicated driver’s education instructor, concerned with the effects of sneezing upon the vision of vehicle operators, came up with the “Eye-Opener,” intended to enable the user to keep his or her eyes open while sternutating. During initial testing, the instructor had a hapless student assistant throw pepper in his face while wearing the apparatus, which exceeded all expectations. The force of the ensuing sneeze threw the instructor’s eyeballs from their sockets with enough velocity to send the assistant to an unlicensed reward.
Let these examples serve as a warning to graduating engineers and scientists. Don’t experiment on yourself. Guinea pigs need work, too.